and this time around, i do not cry anymore.

The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad. You know, when sad tries to bite its lip and not cry; smile and go, "no, i'm happy for you." That's when it's really sad.
-John Mayer

I like the way it's told, describing bout the saddest kinda sad.

Like when sad tries to bite its lip and not cry;
smile and go, 'no, i'm happy for you.'

I think it’s really good. A very accurate description of that feeling. And for once, i didn't cry over screwed up papers because, i did not deserve to.

When i was in the exam hall this morning, answering questions on the musculoskeleton paper, i wasn't frustrated by the mind-boggling essay question because, i had kinda known it beforehand that i was sure to have a brain freeze in there. So when it was over i was just sad.

I was sad because, i wasn't like the me i used to be. The me last time, would get right out of the exam hall, flip through her books / notes to immediately check for the correct answers to all confusing questions asked. The me last time, would discuss bout the papers with the rest of my friends, and then, would cry over each wronged answer because it mattered. It mattered because i really cared. A lot.

But the me now, i think, just don't care bout exams all that much anymore. In fact, the me now is kinda immune to failure T.T Since when, and how did that happen?

I'm sad for myself.

***

But after my EOM exams, at around 4pm, the saddest kinda sad kinda dissipated a lil bit.

Because i was out with someone real nice and in him i see a person i wanna be. I like the way he dries the raindrops on my forehead, i like the way he cares so much bout an exam that's over, i like the way he holds his backpack up to the side of my face and stands right next to me when the heavy wind blows in my direction, i like to hear him sing in a microphone, i like the way he chatters bout the postdinner hand-in-hand walks he has with his mom, and i like the way he has my hand grisped.

:)

And because of all that, i've decided to read real well during my study week starting tomorrow. Because i don't wanna be sad anymore.